Funny About Getting Old!
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the
men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
Save Me Some Time
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
Hiding Easter Eggs
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!
But I Can Still Drive!
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my drivers license!
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then Ill be sure my daughters visit
me twice a week!"
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Its scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
What A Relief!
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
The Senility Prayer
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!
What's That You Say?
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.
A Pretty Penny
An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked
his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."
The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new
hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
What Marriage Is All About!
Two elderly ladies had been
friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of
activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Hard Of Hearing
Two elderly women were
eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about
Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in
your left ear?"
She pulled it out and stared
Three sisters ages 92, 94
and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She
puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin'
in or out of the bath?"
She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
Last One Standing
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
Age Brings Wisdom
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of
You Know That You Are Marvelously Mature When...
1. You and
your teeth don't sleep together.
woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright
freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to
get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with
the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I
love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she
said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are
said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that is prettier than
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed,
- the bills aren't paid,
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 check in my check book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to!
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Soon!!
The 84-year-old Newlywed
The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
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