GRANDPARENTS:

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she had applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''

"You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."

"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

I Remember

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association. It was great."

"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

Save Me Some Time

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"� 

"98,"� she replied. "Two years older than me."�

"�So you're 96,"� the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"�

Peer Pressure

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

 "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"� the reporter asked. 

 She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Hiding Easter Eggs

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs!

But I Can Still Drive!

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my drivers license!

Extreme Workout

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctors permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!

Sharp Wit

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Well Rounded

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Espresso

Its scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

What A Relief!

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!

What's That You Say?

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing.

He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The doctor said he could see her in 2 weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

What Marriage Is All About!

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."�

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."�

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"�

She answered....... "THE TEETH!"�

Old Friends

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."  

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Hard Of Hearing

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" 

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Old Maids

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I gettin' in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Dad-Gummed Hickey

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

Last One Standing

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person
can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned
around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived them all."

Age Brings Wisdom

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
15. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter ... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.

You Know That You Are Marvelously Mature When...

1.  You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2.  Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3.  At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4.  Your back goes out but you stay home.
5.  When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6.  It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7.  When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8.  When happy hour is a nap.
9.  When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

Wrinkled Beauty
 

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that is prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

  This is how it manifests:

  I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

  As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

  I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

  I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

  So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

  But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

  I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

  My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

  I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

  The Coke is getting warm and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

  As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

  I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

  I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

  I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

  I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

  I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

  So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

  Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

  At the end of the day:

  - the car isn't washed,

  - the bills aren't paid,

  - there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

  - the flowers don't have enough water,

  - there is still only 1 check in my check book,

  - I can't find the remote,

  - I can't find my glasses,

  - and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

  Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

  I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

  Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to!

  Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! Soon!!

The 84-year-old Newlywed

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 84, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she explained that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

Don't Forget!

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.