Retirement In The Eyes of a Child

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now.

They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night - Early Birds. Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

Picture God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Grandma's Coffee

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so pleased. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

Notes To God

A Nun asked her class to write notes to God...here are some of the notes they handed in.

Dear God:
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool.

Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have?

Dear God:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other so much  if they had their own rooms.  That's what my Mom did for me and my brother.

Dear God:
In school they told us what you do.  Who does it when you're on vacation?

Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick?

Dear God:
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries?

Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in the church. Is that okay?

Dear God:
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to get my brother good.

Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, (but not with so much hair all over).

Dear God:
You don't have to worry about me.  I always look both ways.

Dear God:
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

Dear God:
Of all the people who work for you, I like Noah and David the best.

Dear God:

My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. He's just kidding, isn't he?

Dear God:
I would like to live 900 years just like the guy in the Bible.

Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in Sunday school  they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea.

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Don’t Shove Me! 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran she   prayed. "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord,   please don't let me be late"....

All of the sudden, she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty. She got up, brushed herself off and started running   again, praying, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...but, DON'T SHOVE ME ANYMORE, I AM RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN!"

What Children Think About

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"

'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

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After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was that?"

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Two little boys were visiting their grandfather, and he took them to a restaurant for lunch. They couldn't make up their minds about what they wanted to eat. Finally the grandfather grinned at the server and said, "Just bring them bread and water."

One of the little boys looked up and quavered, "Can I have ketchup on it?"

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A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."

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A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:  "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said,  "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

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A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother
of Jesus: the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,  "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

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Honorable Service

Picture This!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Red Faced

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

Undivided Attention

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want - God is watching the apples.

Assignment: Explain God

 Danny Dutton of Chula Vista, CA, an 8 year old

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off."

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have."

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church."

"Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him. But He was good and kind, like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said "O.K."

His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important."

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time."

"You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach.

This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway."

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in
the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids."

But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

And...that's why I believe in God.

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Kids in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy,
however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

 "Mommy, look what I found," the boy called out.

 "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:

"I think it's Adam's suit!" 

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 Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up"during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

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And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence, and after church, asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?" Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...And He just then did!"

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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer. "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am!"

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At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, sir.... and my Mom says it's a real b---- to iron."

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One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church building. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."  

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Brother McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. 

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."  

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, Sunday morning, or Sunday evening?"

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Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to  church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took  Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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The Bible According to Kids

 Compiler unknown...

 The cute statements below are said to have been written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected:

 In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. 

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. 

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. 

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. 

Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. 

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. 

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head. 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. 

He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone." 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. 

The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

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